Beauty

I took this picture while the sun hit my face just right, this picture was meant to highlight my eyes but instead I got: 

 "Pretty Girl" 

"Wow this is flawless"

"Ay girl! Lemme Holla" 

"You look like a model" (this was said about 4x)

"Purdy Girl"

"You're glowing"

"This is so nice"

"Pretty!!!"

"This Picture is stunning"

My first thought was "Aw, thank you so much!" but then I realized what about when the sun doesn't hit my skin this way, when my eyes are blue instead of green, when I smile instead of hold still. Why not another picture? How do we define beauty? What is beauty? Is it in the eye of the beholder or does the media tell us what's beautiful. Here I am make up free, filter free, in the car going to see a movie with one of my best friends. Can you capture beauty? Every photo we take seems to look different. It depends on our mood, hair, lighting and oh so much more. So what is the difference from the photo above "beauty wise" to this photo? 

Now I am not saying I didn't like the compliments because of course I do. But I didn't always look like this. I was an awkward teenager. I had a clear face but finding my identity was hard. I didn't lose my baby fat till I was 21! Now I am itty bitty. Although I wear a 6-8 in jean sizes, it all depends on if my hips and thighs fit. I told my grandmother I was 6-8 in pants and her response was "you're that big?!" 

For all the young girls looking for their identity or for someone who doesn't find themselves beautiful or handsome. There are days where I feel like I am a complete mess. Dry skin on my face and all. But I still know I am beautiful NOT because others tell me but because I value myself. 

I don't need to show off my caked up make up face, my boobs, my butt, my bikini or any type of skin to prove that I am beautiful! 

Lesson to learn 10/19/2012

The Darkness is here

The battle scars are opening 

Peace of mind no where to be found

Pain eating away at her soul at her essence 

She just can't let all the pain go

Fighting, screaming, kicking

Please let me go

Let me be free

From all the painful memories & misery

As soon as she lets go

The demon pushes her back into the same spot

It's like a nightmare on replay

She is scared

She knows no one is going to save her

This rescue has to be done by herself

Tears staining her heart

I just need you here she screams

How much longer need we be apart

Simple words are said

promises made actions fulfilled

Her love grows stronger

As her fear fades

The grip of her restrainer starts to fade

She takes a deep breath of relief 

Takes a baby step trying not to jump in

Then suddenly feels a sharp pain

She is dreaming yet she doesn't know

That this pain will continue to re-occur until she finally gives it to God & lets go

This is why an angel was sent  

So a lesson can be learned

In this dream 5/10/2013

I close my eyes and you are near
In this dream I have nothing to fear
No heart to be broken no tears to fall
Just a good ol dream to start it all
I see you and nothing else
This is because I choose to
You walk with me in my dreams
Down the road of happiness I once wrote
The breeze through my hair 
The smile on your face
I'm wondering why I've never seen this place
I haven't been here before I tell you
Just follow my lead snuggles that's all you need
I smile and allow myself to enjoy this beautiful journey, this beautiful walk
I start listening and no longer need to talk
I hear the wind and our footsteps 
Along with you heart beating through your sweater vest 
Its as if you'll lose me in this dream
Don't be afraid baby 
One day we will wake up and realize this is meant to be
You see all this waiting this time apart
Is meant to build you a stronger heart
So one day when you wake up and open your eyes
You will remember this dream 
You once had and realize
That you are hear to stay right by my side snuggles
I'm not going anywhere he says just trust and believe
that this is what you deserve to be loved and adored
So when you wake up you wont have to look by your side
I promise I will be there for the rest of your life
He counts to three
One Two Three
You wake up Lia and hear "Good Morning my Queen"

Coming Home 05/19/2013

Let the tears flow

Let them cleanse this sinner

The soul is lonely

Screaming to be free

Please come back to me

Her health declines

Her happiness turns into pain

You’re losing everything

What is going on in that brain

Take a shower & let the water fall

Take deep breaths

The drain collects it all

You hear the whispers in your head

Everything that anyone important to you has ever said

Block it out Lia! She screams

Stop the doubt & the feign

Take a deep breath collect your thoughts

Cast away all your doubts

Now go back and look in the mirror

She saw her face full of tears saying:

I’m coming home signed Valentina

A letter to my younger self

Dearest Lia,

Don't rush through life, take it one day at a time and enjoy every moment you have. Stop thinking that its the end of the world, it's not my darling. Life will always move forward even if you don't want to. You don't need to be reminded by others that you are beautiful. You are unique. So what if you aren't big chested and you haven't grown into your curves yet, one day you will. Focus on your education, friends and lovers will fail you. Don't be so harsh on mom & dad, they are humans too. I know that you have a hard time understanding mom, but right now she needs your I love you's more than "leave me alone." Dad is lonely stay by his side but do not let him drag you into something you don't belong in. Do not meddle into their relationship, just be honest and strong. Stay loyal and faithful like you always have no matter how much it hurts. Do not blame the next person for the previous persons behavior. Friends come and go... and you are a GREAT friend. Your fears.. are just that... Fears. You fear you are going to fail your last quarter in college, guess what you won't. You fear that you won't ever truly be loved for who you are, guess what? You will. You fear that the truth that you hold with hurt those you love, yes it will but it is worth keeping the real ones around. You fear that you will be abandoned, you never were. You'll fear the pain for your physical therapy, trust me it hurts.. but to be able to walk, run and play again is worth it! Dream.... I know your dreams are crazy right now & don't make any sense but a lot of the things you dream...do come true. Don't stick with just Audio Engineering, learn it all! Love hard & let go instead of holding on. There are only a few instances where holding on to someone has paid off for you. But that is because that person gave you something to hold on to. You sisters are troubled, they don't know what they say or do to you. They do not know you are watching, at some point in your life you will feel like the big sister. You will have to watch them make mistakes you wouldn't wish on anyone, but just stay by their side no matter how much you think they hate you. You will have many thoughts about running away, but don't. Enjoy the luxury of being a kid. Don't grow up so fast. Stay true to yourself, to your art & Pray every day. 

Love, 

Your older wiser self. 

Have you ever truly looked at yourself in the mirror? Past your skin, past your blemishes and into your eyes where your soul screams for your attention? Many say the eyes are the windows to your soul, I believe this. I used to smile in pictures and people would still tell me "You don't look happy" I would ask why and one person said your eyes tell a story. As I sit in front of my mirror right now I realize how beautiful I am all the small imperfections no longer matter, the dog bite above my lip, my beauty mark that looks like "dirt" on my left cheek bone, my small lips, the eye lashes that don't seem to exist... Yet I am still beautiful. My eyes can tell you a lot just by a glance. You can see my happiness & sadness, both can coexist in my eyes. My eyes lighten up when I am happy, almost as if they glow. When sadness hits darkness comes. We often don't listen to our souls cause we don't pay attention. Sit down look in the mirror and tell me what you see, an animal? a sanctuary? peace? hope? sadness? distraught? happiness? longing? abandonment? hurt? lies? truth? What do you see? And are you feeding your soul or starving it?